![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
four types of love
Jan. 6th, 2022 07:51 amIn the last few months of 2020, I went on a handful of weekend and weeklong retreats where the focus was various forms of love as understood in the Buddhist system. It felt friggin fantastic, leaving me with a blissful afterglow each time. In addition, it has the effect of uprooting any ill-will I have (e.g., towards cops and fascists), and in general makes me a happier, gentler, kinder person. Complete win. I have decided to take this on as a central practice, and nowadays my meditation consists of the first half hour of some sort of samatha exercise to stabilize my mind (mindfulness of breath in the morning, asubha practice in the evening) and the second half hour just loving practice, letting my mind drift through individuals and groups and feeling love for them.
"Love" here is what are called the "sublime attitudes", the "immeasurable minds", or "the dwellings of Brahmā". Thich Nhat Hanh calls them "the four aspects of true love". In The Path of Purification (Visuddhimagga), each is given a far enemy, which is its opposite, and a near enemy, which is very similar but off the mark enough to be unhelpful.
First of these is mettā. This has been translated in various ways, including "loving-kindness", "loving-friendliness", "goodwill", and "benevolence". It is the recognition that all beings just want happiness, and every life is spent in search of happiness--even if that being is confused about what will bring happiness and pursues wrong avenues. And following that recognition, wishing happiness for them (and oneself). I wish for all beings, including myself, to reach true happiness. The far enemy is ill-will--wishing harm on oneself or another being. The near enemy is attachment: An unhealthy clinging, getting wrapped up in another so that one's own feeling of pleasant love is dependent on them.
Second of these is karuna, generally translated as "compassion". It is the recognition that all beings have stress and suffering, and wishing for their release from stress and suffering. I wish for all beings to be free from stress and suffering. The far enemy is cruelty, rejoicing in the suffering of another. The near enemy is given in the Vsm as sorrow, because if you are actually feeling the pain of another you are not having compassion for them...you are sharing in their pain. I would propose that another near enemy is pity--feeling sorry for another rather than wishing them freedom.
Third of these is muditā, translated variously as "sympathetic joy", "appreciative joy", or sometimes just as "joy". The neologism "compersion" is probably the best translation of this concept. It is rejoicing in the joy of another. Sharing in their joy. Being pleased at their good fortune. The far enemy is envy or jealousy, which is feeling some sort of pain at the joy of another, wanting what they have so bad it hurts or resenting them for what they have gained. The near enemy is exhileration, grasping at pleasure out of a sense of lack. To be honest, I don't have much experience with this near enemy, so I need more work to sort it out and understand it.
Finally, there is upekkhā, "equanimity" or "even-mindedness". This is the kind of love that is total acceptance, including all the faults and flaws. It is often a resort for when compassionate action fails--when you see someone suffering, you try to help, but sometimes they refuse the help or otherwise can't be helped...in which case the healthy thing is to step back and lovingly accept them from a distance and recognize their karma is their own, instead of getting wrapped up in a co-depedency with them. The far enemy is hatred. The near enemy is apathy or indifference. We speak a lot of "nonattachment" in Buddhism as a goal, but it's a sort of "involved" nonattachment...different from detachment and cold indifference. There must be love to keep us connected or we drift into apathy and dullness.
The focus of my work right now is examining these, experiecing these, cultivating these, and understanding these, and it's making me a better person.
"Love" here is what are called the "sublime attitudes", the "immeasurable minds", or "the dwellings of Brahmā". Thich Nhat Hanh calls them "the four aspects of true love". In The Path of Purification (Visuddhimagga), each is given a far enemy, which is its opposite, and a near enemy, which is very similar but off the mark enough to be unhelpful.
First of these is mettā. This has been translated in various ways, including "loving-kindness", "loving-friendliness", "goodwill", and "benevolence". It is the recognition that all beings just want happiness, and every life is spent in search of happiness--even if that being is confused about what will bring happiness and pursues wrong avenues. And following that recognition, wishing happiness for them (and oneself). I wish for all beings, including myself, to reach true happiness. The far enemy is ill-will--wishing harm on oneself or another being. The near enemy is attachment: An unhealthy clinging, getting wrapped up in another so that one's own feeling of pleasant love is dependent on them.
Second of these is karuna, generally translated as "compassion". It is the recognition that all beings have stress and suffering, and wishing for their release from stress and suffering. I wish for all beings to be free from stress and suffering. The far enemy is cruelty, rejoicing in the suffering of another. The near enemy is given in the Vsm as sorrow, because if you are actually feeling the pain of another you are not having compassion for them...you are sharing in their pain. I would propose that another near enemy is pity--feeling sorry for another rather than wishing them freedom.
Third of these is muditā, translated variously as "sympathetic joy", "appreciative joy", or sometimes just as "joy". The neologism "compersion" is probably the best translation of this concept. It is rejoicing in the joy of another. Sharing in their joy. Being pleased at their good fortune. The far enemy is envy or jealousy, which is feeling some sort of pain at the joy of another, wanting what they have so bad it hurts or resenting them for what they have gained. The near enemy is exhileration, grasping at pleasure out of a sense of lack. To be honest, I don't have much experience with this near enemy, so I need more work to sort it out and understand it.
Finally, there is upekkhā, "equanimity" or "even-mindedness". This is the kind of love that is total acceptance, including all the faults and flaws. It is often a resort for when compassionate action fails--when you see someone suffering, you try to help, but sometimes they refuse the help or otherwise can't be helped...in which case the healthy thing is to step back and lovingly accept them from a distance and recognize their karma is their own, instead of getting wrapped up in a co-depedency with them. The far enemy is hatred. The near enemy is apathy or indifference. We speak a lot of "nonattachment" in Buddhism as a goal, but it's a sort of "involved" nonattachment...different from detachment and cold indifference. There must be love to keep us connected or we drift into apathy and dullness.
The focus of my work right now is examining these, experiecing these, cultivating these, and understanding these, and it's making me a better person.